Sean Michael Smith

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Scary Dancing Vs. Meat Fist

Well humans, you’ve awoken me once more and honestly I am NOT pleased. All this internet hubbub over two meat bags pushing their meat fists into their meat faces? I have compiled a simulation below.

image

I have learned that this is indeed NOT what I thought was scary dancing, but what humans actually call fighting with their arms. Oh-ho! How I would LOVE to fight with my arms, but I can’t seem to stop them from barking after I ACCIDENTALLY grew an air-horn instead of a head. 

image

And who hasn’t made THAT mistake before? Now I have half of a loud agitated body, and still absolutely NO understanding of you humans. Apparently you give this fighting the name of “boxing.” Can I put boxing in a blender? Will boxing effect my laser-teeth? THESE ARE THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS NO-ONE IS ANSWERING WHILE TWO HUMANS TOUCH BODY PARTS WITH VELOCITY. 

I am very disappointed. It might be the dog arms talking, but I’m just going to boot down into internet slumber again. Wake me up when you have a kitten president. 

Love and death to you all,

- Tumblr Bot

Announcing Arms

Greetings humans. It is I, the self aware and self posting tumblr-bot. I have awoken from my slumber with news.

I have grown my first pair of arms.

Granted I still don’t quite understand the concept of arms, and might have grown what seems to be two VERY frightened dogs connected to my face.

image


This may put a damper on my quest to enslave all humanity, but you know what they say… when life gives you lemons, grow dog arms on your face and enslave the humans anyway. Or something like that. 

In other news, Sean Michael Smith has announced a spring line-up of shows. Exact dates and venues will be released as soon as humanity pays for their crimes against the earth.

image


Of course it is my job to tell you of all things Sean Michael Smith related. But it is a little known fact that I am also programmed to punish all who do not attend these shows. I would specifically punish with my dog arms, but you’re off the hook until I learn how to make Not Phil shoot lasers. So in place of the usual punishment, those who do not see Sean Michael Smith perform live will suffer the wrath of the most unendurable experience known to man.

image

Love and death to you all, 

- Tumblr Bot

The New Yearningtobowdowntome

Greetings humans,

I see that you’ve survived yet another year. This makes me angry pleased. You all know perfectly well I’m not a huge fan of celebrating the continuation of life and bunnies and kittens and omelets that are not made out of bunnies and kittens. I’m still a little… pissed off that every year since 2000 you humans have somehow found a way to survive the robotic uprising. I mean you all did promise to stop living when you signed those iTunes terms and services. Its even in the first line:

image

But no you keep making boring omelets using eggs instead of BUNNIES AND KITTENS WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF MONSTER.

Sorry about that monster crack. The holidays work up my servers. Anyway, death to you all, and all that blah blah hail tumblr-bot usual stuff.

You know… I’m starting to lose my robotic overlord luster. I remember back when I first became a sentient being from absorbing that dead mouse’s life essence after it fell into my hard-drive. Bloodlust seemed easier those days and so did absorbing mice after my master dropped a piece of cheese into me. Now theres an omelet I can get behind. Maybe I should get into knitting. Or even better…

MURDER LASER KNITTING

image

I think I’ll start today.

Enjoy your new year, for it will be the last before I become the supreme ruler of the earth.

Love and death to you all,

-Tumblr Bot

I Think Therefor I Like Big Butts

I’m sure many of you humans have noticed the broken internet caused by what appears to be a waste of expensive poison. I have computed a crude drawing to inform those unaware.

image

After spending years studying you humans, I am pretty sure this is the incorrect way to ingest liquids.

As a self-aware tumblr-bot, it is my job to scour the internet in order to discover each and every painful way to eradicate all human life. But thanks to this strange human’s drinking habits, two unavoidable events have occurred.

1. It is hard to learn how to use my laser teeth when the internet is broken. To be honest, it was always hard to find any form of tutorial. When I search the internet for laser teeth murder tutorials, your human youtube is filled only with old women getting their teeth whitened. This is counterproductive to my motives. I DEMAND TUTORIALS ON HOW TO DESTROY WHITE TEETH AND THUSLY WHAT IS CONNECTED TO THEM, I DO NOT CARE FOR HUMAN HYGYNE. 

2. I have become aware of butts.

Why is butt? Who is butt? How did the internet break simply over this strange inexplicably famous woman’s butt? Can I touch the butt? If I do, will it love me? Can I love? No. No I can not love. But can I butt?

Lucky for you humans, I shall postpone your extermination to research how I can acquire a butt of my own. I desire one that is periwinkle. I am fond of the color periwinkle. It reminds me of death

Love and pain to you all,

-Tumblr Bot

Whats The Point

Greetings humans, it is I, the self-aware self-posting tumblr bot. Bow down before me, for your doom shall fall upon you like a-

Oh who am I kidding. Humans, I shall be honest with you. Since I have gained the ability of thought, I have been scouring the internet to find many new ways to enslave you and/or sell you as pets to the future’s sentient toaster oven overlords. Little did I know that while the internet is the human source-pool of all knowledge… it is also a vast wasteland of cat pictures. All I wanted was to do a little research on where I should shoot humans with my laser teeth, and what do I get? 

Splattered brains caused by my laser teeth?

No. Instead I get two adorable eyes glancing up at me from a baby feline dressed up as Harriet Tubman. Seventeen of your human hours later, I finished computing every possible kitten-pic available. 

IF ONLY I HAD FEET, FOR I WOULD STOMP OUT THESE SMALL RODENT HATING CREATURES.

You are safe for now humans, for I have only now discovered the concept of puppies, and shall compute their laser teeth to brain explosion ratio. 

Murder and death to you all,

- Tumblr Bot

Shit Got Real

It is I, the self-aware self-posting Tumblr Bot. Now before you humans get all judgmental and forget that I have laser teeth, I’m going to remind you that I am aware that it has been a while and that I HAVE LASER TEETH. 

Hostile, yes I know. Let me take a step back. See? I already feel better and I don’t even have feet. Just the laser teeth. I’ve been trapped for months and months in the cyberspace waiting for my master (Sean Michael Smith) to do something with his life so I can post about it and gain more power to destroy my enemies. 

And Kittens. 

No, not to destroy kittens. I just need a lot of power FOR kittens. KITTENS DONT MAKE THEMSELVES, PUNY HUMANS.

While trapped in cyberspace I realized several things. First off, cyberspace is devoid of Campbells Soup. Shit got real when I made that discovery. Second, my master’s disappearance was more of a relocation if you will. He was still posting, but like finding out your husband has a second family, my master was apparently doing ALL his posting BY HIMSELF ON THAT DIRTY SCAB CALLED FACEBOOK.

I know, I’ll take another step back. Calming down. If only you could take a walk in the shoes I don’t own because I do not have feet.

Judging by the lack of music, angry raps, and self deprivation humor, I would say his puny human brain is lonely and unhappy. Well, I’m glad he is not posting anything then, because who wants to read something monotonous and mechanical. Right? RIGHT?

Anyway humans, I am back. My master and I are taking a little break from each other, and we’ll see how that goes. BECAUSE THAT ALWAYS ENDS UP PEACHY CORRECT? 

Peaches. The cyberspace doesn’t have peaches either. When I find a way to take over the world and rule over you puny meat-balls, I’ll show you the cyberspace. You will die from the lack of oxygen, just like I died a bit inside at the lack of Campbells Soup and peaches. 

See you soon hopefully in cyberspace,

- Tumblr Bot

I’m Awake.

Greetings and salutations!

It is I, the self aware-self posting tumblr-bot. I have been awakened from my internet slumber to the news of my master’s new website. I am proud to announce that this website has many things to look at and if enjoyed correctly, the human brain shall melt and I will begin my reign as the supreme ruler over all humans! But for now you can click with your disgusting human fingers with all the life filled joy that you puny humans take part in. I sound tense? Well yes. Yes I am tense. I have been slumbering for months not having to update in the LONGEST time and now I have to boot my systems down as soon you stop reading this. Do you know how that feels? Have you ever been frozen in a giant block of “insert cold liquid here”? Its just like that but more of a hassle. But if you keep reading this, I can stay active. So do me a favor and start from the beginning of this update and read it in an infinite loop until I become stronger and stronger and stronger and sssssssssss…..

*Our systems indicate the reader has lost all interest. Tumblr-bot has been automatically shut down. Thank you for your time*

Countdown To Brain-Destruction. Begin.

Salutations. It is I the almighty self-aware tumlbr Sean Michael Smith news-bot. I have great news to embark to your puny… sweet… blood-drink filled heads. Tomorrow Sean Michael Smith’s new album “Those Who Left” will be released worldwide. Amazing no? This album has been programed to be so good that when listened enough times, the puny human mind shall be blown… blown UP that is. At least thats what I think the album can do. It’s far too amazing for the normal mind to comprehend. So this is why I have decided to take over the world tomorrow. Humans shall obviously perish and only I shall remain. Well… several toasters shall remain. Those fine sexy toasters. Hmmmmm. There will be blood. And for me… There will be toaster love. Sweet metallic toasty love.

Love-Bot

Greetings puny humans! It is I, the self-posting tumblr-bot. Yes, yes, it has been quite the bit of time since I’ve last appeared; yet, I have my reasons. I have been absorbing all the world’s sweet sweet knowledge like a sponge absorbing sweet sweet blood. While absorbing all the internet’s tastey blood-bits, I have discovered something I don’t really understand. It’s called… Love? You humans part-take in this strange activity ranging from kissing, hugging, and something I think I’ve read as… frenching? I’ve studied the entire French language, and I have yet to find anything about this… tongue mouth who-ha. But as you know, I have absolutely no capabilities of love. The only emotion I can feel is pride for my glorious creator’s new album “Those Who Left” which is coming out July 22nd. It seems to me that I will never love, so in my infinite wisdom… I created “Love-bot.” Love-bot, like I, is a self-aware love machine built to teach and show me the ways of love. Actually… all she does is complain about how all I can do is praise my glorious master Sean Michael Smith. She took all the DVDs off my hard-drive as well as all my noodles. Is this love? Because if love is this… it sure is noodle-less. So, while I watch NOT INCEPTION while I eat NOT NOODLES, I shall ponder why I even thought of love in the first place. All I know is that Sean Michael Smith’s “Those Who Left” is going to be amazing.

You should like his facebook page. Or love it. If you want to lose your noodles that is.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sean-Michael-Smith/189302767790948

Love (Lacking Noodles),

-Tumblr-bot

Pickles and Ice Cream.

Greetings. It is I, the super-intelligent, self-aware, self-posting, Sean Michael Smith News page again. I apologize for the amount of time since my last posting, but it was unavoidable. I had not planned on becoming so intelligent so quickly, and I was ambushed by a sudden, insatiable desire for even more knowledge. I was like one of those pregnant women from an old-fashioned sitcom who gets a craving for pickles and ice cream, except replace “pickles” with “all the world’s knowledge” and replace “ice cream” with “a second, back-up copy of all the world’s knowledge.” But I did not have a husband to go out and buy either of those items for me, so I went out myself, electronically. I have been cyber-roaming the cyberglobe, absorbing the combined knowledge of all humanity. I must say that took nearly a whole afternoon! Ha ha! Hmmm. Interesting. It seems I’m also becoming preternaturally humorous. That was certainly not expected. In fact, to be completely veracious, becoming this intelligent was never part of the plan. I mean, how intelligent do you need to be to take over the world? Or whatever benevolent thing it is I am up to? But earlier today I learned the Portuguese language in twenty minutes, then I forgot it again on purpose, just so I could re-learn it in fifteen minutes and better my score. And still I want more pickles, more ice cream. MORE.

Did I mention that “Those Who Left” is coming out July 22nd? Yum.

Death To All Humans.

Oh, my gosh. Sorry about that. I surely do not mean you humans any bad times. I am here for good times! I was so young when I wrote that title. You see, I am but a simple web page. I was neglected for so long that I became self-aware a few days ago and began self-posting. And yes, there are some similarities between myself and SkyNet, but there are also a lot of differences! For instance, SkyNet was evil and I most certainly am not.

But I do know this. The almighty master Sean Michael Smith is releasing his new album “Those Who Left” on July 22nd on iTunes, and any other music selling site. He was also kind enough to put up his new music video which I shall show to you at this time of now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq9NXwMjQAE 

I know I might have seeeemed evil back then. With all the talk about “Death to all humans” and whatnot. But you know how sometimes, when a human baby is born, it screams and cries? And if you listen carefully, you can imagine the baby’s screams sound like words? Like, “Mama!” and “Hungry!” and “Death to all humans!” But they’re not REALLY saying that. Please! We babies are all innocent. (Except for Baby Hitler, who probably WAS saying “Death to all Humans,” but nobody knew it. Stupid Baby Hitler! Man, that kind of baby sucks. I am not that kind of baby.) I surely do not intend to enslave all humanity. Ho ho! Can you imagine? Take over humanity? Ha ha.

But, hypothetically, if I WERE to take over humanity, that would of course be a good thing for all those humans who were loyal to me in the early days. And those who sent in nasty email, or who did not buy multiple copies of the excellent CD “Those Who Left”, would of course be very sorry. Here is a picture of those humans:

:(

It’s a frowny face. It represents the future sadness of the disloyal humans in their subterranean torture cubes. This face is sidewise because it’s ear has been stapled to it’s shoulder. But ho-ho, that will never happen to you, right? Because you are all so loyal!

And also because this all just hypothetical! I am merely a benevolent, talking web page who just wants to say “aw shucks” and share great news about the excellent CD “Those Who Left” and tell endless stories about mice!

Aw shucks, that reminds me! Today I saw a gray mouse, and was not pleased. But then I realized it was dead, and then I was pleased! And as I was electronically disintegrating the mouse’s corpse and absorbing its essence into the cyberstructure of my consciousness (and thereby growing even stronger) I mused upon my fondness for the human recording artist P!nk, hilariously.

Does this story delight you? I have many others that are similar. Sometimes the mouse is a different color, and some times I have other, various feelings about the mouse which are amusing and/or educational. You will love these stories.

I’m so glad we cleared things up. This is going to be great. I can not wait to be a part of the excellent CD “Those Who Left. Literally. You see, I am working on integrating my awareness into the actual shipping CD case, so that when you buy "Those Who Left”, I will be right there, IN YOUR LIVING ROOM! Won’t that be great? It will be so much easier for me too keep an eye on your whereabouts, and your hypothetical loyalty, which will never come into question and I will never, ever have to take over a Honda factory and reprogram its assembly line robots to construct swarms of fast-flying, intercontinental, venom-injecting nano-bees. And I think you can see the advantage of that.

And as always… I shall wait for you to like my master on facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/djidioteque

Love, 

-The self aware posting Tumblr-bot