How to handle difficult in-laws? Messages in this topic - RSS

How to handle difficult in-laws? Messages in this topic - RSS

FinesseFinessePosts: 5 July 29, 2010
Throughout my relationship of 5 years with my fiance I have always had issues with his mother and sister. My mother and I have been planning our engagement party for a few weeks. The latest nightmare was when his sister went behind my and my mothers back to plan an "engagement party". She gave my family (who lives between 2 and 10 hours away) only 24 hours notice and said it was my engagement party! No one in my family was able to attend, obviously confused. Great way to start our marriage!

I don't think I can marry into a family who had no respect or regard for me and my family. Any suggestions? Argument
Guest July 29, 2010
I have dealt with the same issue personally.
You need to be firm and tell them that any more plans need to brought to your attention first. They need to know that this is YOUR Wedding not theirs. Normally the engagement party is for your parents to plan/organize.
You need to let them know that you appreciate the help but you and your mother have already started planing the party. Let them know that if they would like to help out you will assign a few tasks.
I wish you the best of luck with your wedding.
FinesseFinessePosts: 5 July 29, 2010
Thank you! Unfortunately their little"party" was last weekend, they knew my mother and I were planning something for this weekend. I told my fiance that we need to sit and discuss boundries, he thinks that she did nothing wrong. I don't want to be a bridezilla, but I am going to be extremely firm.
twilightaffairstwilightaffairsPosts: 3 July 29, 2010
I was logged out when I posted this But I would like to also ad that you should continue to have your engagement party as you and your mother planned.
With the other party that your Sister in law has planned for you you can either go to it and enjoy it or not. Either way let her know that it is important for you to have your family and friends attend the event to. You may want to ask her how she would feel if her parents and close friends weren't at her engagement party?

Be strong, take care!
twilightaffairstwilightaffairsPosts: 3 July 29, 2010
Finesse wrote:
Thank you! Unfortunately their little"party" was last weekend, they knew my mother and I were planning something for this weekend. I told my fiance that we need to sit and discuss boundries, he thinks that she did nothing wrong. I don't want to be a bridezilla, but I am going to be extremely firm.


That is good to hear and not bridezilla at all. Stay strong!
BrevardMinisterBrevardMinisterPosts: 157 July 29, 2010
This is something I cover in my marriage education classes because even those of us with great relationships with our in-laws may run into difficulty once in awhile. After we marry there should never be a challenge to "choose between your spouse and your parents." The decision to marry and the pledges we make create THE most important relationship in our lives. By marrying we have already made that decision. Spouse first!

Of course we do not abandon our families of origin and we must all do what we can to maintain good relations. But there comes a point where the groom/bride or husband/wife have to acknowledge that the spouse is of their primary concern. If either one is unable to do that than counseling may be in order.

Most people think of the wedding planning first, fewer consider planning for the marriage. Boundary discussions are extremely important in marriage preparation. If your feelings were hurt and your family inconvenienced than something is wrong and you all need to get to the bottom of it before things fester and grow.

Best Wishes,
Rev. Ann Fuller
Melbourne, FL
Guest July 29, 2010
I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I am a wedding planner and have been in business for over 24 years and I can tell you that you are not alone. Many of my brides have been in your situation. I guess you have to look at it from your inlaws point of view. Many feel they are left out of the wedding plans. If they feel that way they should gave you a bridal shower for their side of the family or host the rehearsal dinner. The bride's family usually is responsible for the engagement party. Your inlaws should of asked you before they planned the party. It is not polite to give guests 24 hours notice to an engagement party when people live so far away. I know inlaws are trying to help, but I would suggest that you talk to your husband to be and tell him how you feel and see if he would talk to his mother and sister and see what he can do about the situation. It is better to solve this problem now before you get married. When you get the situation under control and your mom still wants to give you an engagement party I suggest she plans one for you since most of the relatives could not attend the first one. Best of luck to you.
Best Wishes,
Social Graces Inc.
New Jersey
TrevorMillionsTrevorMillionsPosts: 2 July 29, 2010
I don't think there is ever a reason to draw a line in the sand. You either go along with it or you don't. Anyone that challenges your decision is only concerned with their own agenda anyway. If anyone wants to throw a party in your honor every night of the week then all you have to do is respectfully accept or decline the gesture. You and your fiance have been together for five years and have generally agreed on what is best for you both as a couple. How have you coped in the past when your family's traditions conflict with his family's traditions? Traditions have a more local focus whereas social graces are more universal.
FinesseFinessePosts: 5 July 29, 2010
Well I had no idea about the party his sister threw. My fiance did not tell me about it because he knew I would not go. We are both from hispanic backgrounds so generally our traditions are the same. In the end, his sister knew about my real engagament party yet wanted to be in the lime light. I did not get to say one word that night and MY family was not there and some were not even invited.
rebec404320rebec404320Posts: 4 July 29, 2010
I have 2 daughters who have married into families without boundaries. It has caused great hardship and strain on their marriages. Mostly, because their husband either don't think what their family is doing is wrong, or too afraid to confront the parents with the issues. That your fiance' doesn't acknowledge that his sister did anything wrong concerns me. BrevardMinister is correct and I would say counseling may be needed before the I Do's are said.
TrevorMillionsTrevorMillionsPosts: 2 July 29, 2010
This might be a symptom of a larger problem where your padrinos should intervene to try and resolve these issues.
VcortezVcortezPosts: 5 July 29, 2010
As an outsider reading this,I wonder why you are getting married?
Reading between the lines, I'm hearing a lot of "me"? Yes, this is your wedding but,what about the future groom? What did he think about the party his family hosted? Often we forget about the groom. I just don't see why there was a problem. I'm not much on engagement parties and the ettiquette of who is responsible.
Remember, when you marry, you will marry into his family, accept their gesture as kindness.
Plan for a marriage, not just a wedding!
Maybe I'm missing something, I hope everything works out.
sbarn443751sbarn443751Posts: 190 August 1, 2010
My question to you is this? Is his sister and mother wanting to take over everything including the wedding? You have to remind them that the day is about you and your future husband. You are going to have to set boundries obviously and if does not see anything wrong with it, you are in deep. My advice to you is this; if his family is going to be doing this to you now, it will continue after you are married. You might be better off parting ways now than later.
CapicuLove1CapicuLove1Posts: 254 August 5, 2010
Dear sbarnhart1974
She may have had good (or not good) intentions with this. I am surprised that your husband to be did not step in--or did he. Really, an engagement party is something usually sponsored by both sets of parents (or one set, informing the other). The idea of this is that both families meet and enjoy the festivities and get to know each other.

However, for family peace, just be gracious and let her know how much you appreciate her gesture, but from now on, any parties, showers and wedding plans are only to be executed by you, your husband and your wedding planner (if you have one). Tell her since she gave the engagement party, that your family is planning the shower - this way you won't have any more surprises. And, this way your family won't be left out.

You and your hubby-to-be must stand your ground. It is not up to you to fight with his family or him with yours. You both must stick together and firmly state what you both want, and be in the company of your respective families together and be in agreement. This way, his family would only be mad at him and yours at you. Hopefully, you can lick this problem and enjoy the process of your wedding planning.

If all else fails, I would just elope with my closest friends and key family members to the islands or vegas.

Best of luck!

Lise'
www.mybelovedwedandart.com
FinesseFinessePosts: 5 August 24, 2010
Thank you all. I guess the big issue at hand, that maybe I omitted is that his sister is 40, never married, and his mother, 60 just got married 2 years ago. Very small last minute wedding.
Also, maybe because I had all of my family and friends calling me afterwards saying they were sorry and upset that they missed my "engagement party" bothered me greatly.

His sister knew my fiance, myself and my parents were already planning our engagement party.

The issue at hand is that these people are trying to live through me. They have nothing positive in their life so they are and always have tried to take things from me. It is true, misery enjoys company. It is over and done with now, going forward my fiance and I will discuss what we need to do and how much to involve the rest of his family. They have taken so much from me the last 5 years and we will be putting down boundaries.

Thanks again!!
Guest August 27, 2010
Finesse,
You can pick and choose what they can "do to help." For example, "Me and (fiance) are doing all the plans, but I would love for the both of you to help pick out flowers, limo or party favors." (Something that is easy). This way they will feel important, have some say, and you and your family can do the rest.

Good luck!
bagge514720bagge514720Posts: 21 October 11, 2010
I can relate to the no respect aspect my fiances mom and sister hates me and I dont know why His sister doesnt understand when you have a kid things change she's 17 years old and doesnt understand that its not about her. to the point that neither one of them are coming to our wedding.
Guest October 11, 2010
I've had issues with my inlaws. but then i think. I'm not going to be marrying them im marring my fiance
bagge514720bagge514720Posts: 21 October 11, 2010
thats how i look at it
NeotericExpressionsNeotericExpressionsPosts: 41 October 14, 2010
Sometimes you have to put on the extremely firm face, for when people believe they have an upper hand on you or for when they feel they don't have to include you in the decision making process or include your opinions. Oftentimes, planning the wedding of your dreams also means seeing the worst come out of people, and what a bad time to show it, right? If you could have learned this about them before the wedding engagement I am certain you'd have handled it then, but unfortunately they chose to wait until now to disrespect you.

I would have a sit-down discussion with your future husband and come to terms with some things. If he is truly out for your happiness, then he will understand and you both can at least meet half way and move forward with the rest of the wedding planning on the same page, so his family and potentially your family won't throw daggers at each other or you guys.

If you both cannot reach a compromise, or if one of you is not giving the best effort you can toward a compromise on this issue (or any issue), you may definitely want to consider seeking marriage counseling before you go down the road of cancelling the wedding.

Please let me know if I can be of any additional help, and best of luck.

Best Regards,
Tiffany
info@neotericexpressions.com
http://www.neotericexpressions.com
Guest March 6, 2013
At least you get an engagement party and your engagement is being aknowladged..

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